13000000000000 BCE- God creates the Universe but does not disclose method, making the Universe wholly unscientific. Scientists never let God live it down.
12999999999999 BCE- Universe is a year old and already starting to walk! God is so proud.
65000000 BCE- Just another boring summer day for the dinosaurs.
45 BCE- Julius Caesar invents the month of July so people can party irresponsibly with alcohol and fireworks for generations to come.
1794- French Revolution: Robespierre, a staunch opponent of the death penalty, is executed by guillotine in Paris, France. The irony is lost on the French as hipsters haven’t been invented yet.
1868- 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution is certified, establishing African American citizenship and guaranteeing due process of law a mere 81 years after the Constitution was created.
1984- The 23rd Summer Olympic games open in Los Angeles and hold the unique distinction of being the least 1984-y Olympics, an honor which goes to the 2012 London Olympics.
1999- The Anti-Christ is born, heralding the end of an age.
2015- Nothing interesting happens.
2016- The one year anniversary of nothing interesting happening.
2020- Eye wear specialists and glasses manufacturers realize way too late that they could have had a “2020” eye wear sale going on this whole time!
2026- The supermassive object orbiting the moon since January descends to Earth. A singular alien consciousness, calling itself OverBrain, announces via worldwide telepathic message that it has taken dominion of the planet in the name of an unpronounceable cosmic entity. Within hours of landing, OverBrain sheepishly recalls its previous message, stating that it had accidentally taken a wrong turn at Andromeda and landed on the wrong planet. It recalls its forces and heads to deep space, hoping Earth’s inhabitants won’t tell anybody.
2032- The Anti-Christ comes of age and decides to become an entrepreneur, starting several sun screen and air conditioning companies which will become “essential items in due time”. Chelsea Clinton announces her candidacy for the 2044 Presidential race way way late in the game, hurting her chances according to pundits.
2050- Super Hurricane Zelda, number 700 this year alone, hits the edge of Kansas on its way to Montana. Meteorologists are calling it a slow year for Super Hurricanes.
2077- The Star Wars centennial celebration remake/reboot is released to theaters. Harrison Ford thinks Han Solo actor did “passable job”.
3175- The hidden subterranean kingdom of worm-men finally rises from the depths as predicted by Nostradamus in a lost quatrain. Finding the surface way too bright and cold and the bony meat sacs called “humans” inedible, the worm-men decide to head back down below.
4492- Famed explorer Jesus Rodriguez discovers the lost continent of Europe. He is immediately killed by a super virus upon landing on shore. The local inhabitants roast and eat Rodriguez’s remains in front of his horrified crew.
5400- Geraldo Plascaya is crowned King Emperor President of Nurth Murka at the capital Cuidad Saint Louis Missura, beginning a ten year reign of peace after decades of war. Nurth Murkans are generally unaware of this historic event.
9999- The hit musical “Party like it’s 9999” hits amphitheaters to rave reviews.
1234567890- The straight flush year would have been celebrated if anyone still used the Gregorian Calendar. People use ‘Squid Time’ now. Don’t ask.