Not Your Daddy’s Tall Tales: Pecos Bill

I love Tall Tales. They’re like Your Momma jokes except the goal is to make the person seem super fucking incredible instead of, you know, insulting their mommas.

So let me tell you about Pecos Fucking Bill. They called him Pecos Fucking Bill because he was tenacious as fuck. The meanest son of a gun that ever called himself a cowboy. He was child number nineteen in his family (Holy shit! Maybe we should be telling tall tales about that lady’s cooter cause damn! That’s a lot of kids!). Anyway, the Bill family was moving west like families did in those days, and here comes this little Pecos guy and he starts doing all kinds of legendary shit right when he’s a baby. He started talking at one month old. The rest of us hadn’t even mastered wiggling on our backs yet and Pecos is already mouthing off to his siblings like he don’t give a damn. Due to being a badass or perhaps poor parenting, as soon as he learned to crawl Pecos Bill would sneak out of the wagon and wrestle with bear cubs and other things that could make a grown man piss himself in fear.

Do you know how Pecos Fucking Bill got his name? Do you even want to know? He got it because while his family was crossing the Pecos River, little Bill (taking a nap no less) was bumped right out of the wagon and into the river! I’m starting to see a pattern here. Maybe Bill was better off away from Mama ’19 and counting’ Bill. He roamed the wild west for fifteen years with a pack of coyotes that arguably took better care of him than his old family did. He learned all kinds of coyote shit and his mean streak is often explained as coming from his coyote side. That’s because no one in their right mind had the balls to call him an asshole to his face. He ran around eating and pissing and shitting buck ass naked like God intended and howling at the moon like a goddamn werewolf. One day he ran into one of his brothers, now a cowboy himself. He took one look at Pecos Bill and for some reason was reminded right away of his long lost baby brother. Good God what kind of infancy did Pecos Bill have that his brother saw a naked wild man running with coyotes and was like, “Oh, it’s Bill”???

The brother confronted Pecos Bill, a ballsy thing to do with all those coyotes around. He told Bill that he wasn’t a coyote. Bill replied with, “Yuh huh I am! I howl at the moon!” At which point Bill let out a howl that made the brother’s herd stampede which flattened an entire village and killed Mufasa all in one blow.

“No you’re not. You don’t even have a tail,” said his brother. For some reason that thought had never crossed Pecos Bill’s mind.

“But I got fleas and I howl at the moon. I am a coyote,” said Bill.

“We’re Texans. We all have fleas and howl at the moon,” said the brother which is an actual part of the story and pretty fucking hilarious!

“I guess you’re right,” Bill conceded. So Pecos Bill became a cowboy like his brother and immediately began to fucking rock at it. He invented the branding iron so people stopped mixing their cows up because that was a thing apparently. Then he single handedly invented the rodeo by riding a cow until it broke and became tamed. Course Texans had already invented riding cows till they broke if you know what I mean. They didn’t call them cowpokes for nothing. Zing! Course the other cowboys weren’t as good as Bill so he had to invent the fucking lasso just so they could keep up. The man was a cowboy inventing machine!

Sometime during all this, Pecos Bill encountered a horse named Widow-Maker. Never one to appreciate scary names, Pecos Bill hopped that shit and rode the black horse all across the land as it tried so very hard to buck him off, which I guess was responsible for creating some landmarks or something. The horse was like the devil, if the devil had done a lot of acid, mescaline and crack and was also a horse. But eventually, Pecos Bill tired old Widow-Maker out and the horse became his, a situation all too familiar to Bill’s many wives. Pecos Bill named the horse Lightning because he’d made that horse his bitch and he could call it whatever the fuck he wanted.

One day he met a gal by the name of Slue-Foot Sue. Now, Pecos Bill had been slaying that cowgirl strange up and down the Old West like he was an STD, but there wasn’t a girl that stole his heart like Sue. First time he ever saw her was riding a giant catfish down the Rio Grande like it wasn’t even a thing. When he learned her name was Slue-Foot Sue he reportedly said, “What a stupid fucking name.” Slue-Foot Sue then began to plant her Slue-Foot right up his ass for, I don’t know, let’s say a week. After all that was done, Pecos decided he fancied her and began a courtship with the cat fish riding lady despite the near constant deal breaking fish smell she had to have had riding a giant catfish all day. And that’s how he earned the name Pecos “What Fish Smell?” Bill.

Finally, Pecos Bill proposed to Slue-Foot Sue and sometime during the wedding festivities, Sue decided she wanted to ride Lightning because that’s just the kind of girl she was. Pecos Bill thought this was an awful idea but it was the day of the wedding and he wasn’t thinking much with his head by that point. He was looking forward to that wedding night seafood buffet if you know what I mean. So Sue hopped on Lightning and the demon horse responded by bucking her right to the fucking moon. Eat your heart out, Neil Armstrong.

That’s right, Pecos Bill had a long and eventful life. Like one time he lassoed a Tornado and rode it. He didn’t get pulled into a tornado and flail around like a spaz. He. Fucking. Rode. IT.

Pecos Bill sometimes rode cougars when he was in the mood. Yes both kinds.

Pecos Bill once fought a fifteen foot rattlesnake and let it bite him a couple of times just to be sporting. Then he made it into his living, venomous lasso.

Pecos Bill punched Chuck Norris so hard he was flung forward into our time.

Pecos Bill shot all the stars in the sky except for one which was called the Lone Star. No, it’s not bullshit. What the story fails to mention is that Pecos Bill left the only star that mattered. And a state nickname was born.

Everything’s bigger in Texas because of Pecos Bill and don’t you forget it!

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