This is a transcript of a never-aired TV promo for Complete Defense Solutions’ new mini drone, the CD-3. Notes in the margins are confirmed to be from the Producer of the promo.
<Tracking shot of a Midwestern Soccer Mom walking up to her mini-van>
Soccer Mom: When I go to the airport I like to feel safe from any danger that may arise. But then I think, ‘Why can’t I feel that safe outside the airport too?’
<Business Man sitting in restaurant>
Business Man: When I’m going to and from meetings and appointments, it feels good to know that someone’s got my back. <Close up of security camera. Back to Business Man.> However, I don’t have someone watching my back twenty four seven and I think, ‘Why not?’
<Exterior, people shuffling down a crowded sidewalk on a busy street>
“We live in a dangerous world, and it’s getting more dangerous by the second. The people that keep us safe face a mounting challenge to have eyes and ears wherever they need to be.
<Extra in police uniform waves to camera>
“But far away from government offices, traffic signals, and private businesses, lies a vast expanse of insecure space where the law is blind and no danger can be curtailed quickly enough.
<Dialogue interspersed with shots of nature, suburbia, and finally children playing in a playground>
“We don’t have to live like this. With Complete Defense Solutions, we can make every space a secure space.”
Soccer Mom: Tell me more!
<CEO and Founder of Complete Defense Solutions, Hank Reagan, sits on a bar stool in blue collar casual, hands folded, as camera slowly pans over him>
Hank: Hi, I’m Hank Reagan, and I want to show you a world without fear. Without worry. A secure world.
Business Man: I can dig it.
Hank: Introducing, CD-3. The new mini drone from Complete Defense Solutions.
<Hank pulls a mini drone from his pocket and presses a button on his key fob.>
Hank: With this baby, you’ll be safe no matter where you go.
<Alley with a dumpster. Two Armed Thugs corner a Helpless College Coed>
“Has this ever happened to you?”
Armed Thug #1: Give me all your money!
Armed Thug #2: Now lady!
Helpless College Coed: Not again!
“Even with mace or a Taser, sometimes the odds are stacked against us. Not with a CD-3.”
<CD-3 descends from above>
Armed Thug #2: Oh no! It’s a probe, son!
Armed Thug #1: Don’t be whiggedy wack, yo! That’s clearly a drone.
Confident College Coed: Get back, crooks! The police are watching right now!
Armed Thug #1: Let’s bounce, dog!
(Producer’s note: If this scene stays in, for the love of God, please make at least one of the thugs white. I’d rather be PC than endorse a “youth outreach tactic” that hasn’t worked since ever.)
(Second Producer’s note: Also, fire whoever brought a “gangologist” on board for this dialogue. I thought better of you. Come on, people!)
Hank: With CD-3, you’re never alone, and you’re safety is always guaranteed. But you don’t have take my word for it. Listen to these testimonials.
<Three non-paid extras will read the testimonials, making the “Not Paid Actors” line technically true>
Hank: No, thank you, Billy.
(Third Producer’s note: Jeez, more improv. Name one of the extras Billy and let’s wrap this up.)
Hank: I hope the next time you feel in danger, you’ll think of CD-3 and Complete Defense Solutions.
<Hank makes dramatic exit>
(Fourth Producer’s note: I don’t know what this means. Run it by us before you green light anything.)
This was the transcript of the shoot in which Hank Reagan had an apparent mental breakdown and exited the studio through the ceiling with a jetpack just seconds after releasing a swarm of lethally modified CD-3s on the actors and film crew. Without the quick work of the American Hero Society and the police, many more could have been hurt or killed.