Fragments from the final State of the Union address.
Fellow Citizens, Residents, Nationals and Civilians,
It is with mixed emotions that I sit before you today. Those listening can hear the aching tenor of my voice, and those fortunate enough to still have video feeds can see the harrowed look on my face. I am not happy about this, nor am I completely dissatisfied. It seems like a fitting end. These United States have lasted a good long time. Far longer than many across the world imagined it would, I venture to guess. This grand experiment in democracy, in liberty, in freedom, in decadence, ended in a much better way than most experiments of this kind end. But it is far past time to step aside and hand the reigns over to the next in line.
We are taught in history class that the nation was founded when the Great Golden Eagle descended from the heavens and gave the Founding Fathers a single feather with which to write the founding documents of our society. Abraham Jefferson wrote the Declaration and Constitution of Independence and Freedom in three days with this magic quill of power and, once endorsed with the signatures of the most powerful sages in the land, severed the ties keeping us servile to the English nation of Britannia.
You’re not supposed to find out until after graduating secondary school, but I will tell you now; this is a lie. It was in fact a Bald Eagle that descended from the heavens and gave its magic feather, but the great shame of our nation, and a telling omen, is that the last of the legendary birds was shot and killed on the 666th year of our country’s long existence. Really, the democracy ended when the Presidential elections were cancelled and selection was decided by augury instead of vote but democracy is a nice sounding word and so it was kept for the last three hundred years despite reality.
Maybe I am getting off track. The long decay, the crumbling façade of the country as it spins further into chaos and slides further into ruin, will not stand longer or stronger by lying to ourselves about our current predicament. The only thing left to do is to bid adieu to the world stage. The empire is over. To struggle any longer would be to prolong our death throes. I have recalled the last remaining occupation forces from Islandistan and have also called for the dismantling of the salt water Navy. We need the wood for winter anyway. I have also asked the Generals, Commanders, and War Chiefs to disband their forces and return home, though whether they will actually do so remains to be seen as my authority over them is ceremonial at best, something the honorable delegates from the World Directorate fail to grasp.
I’m being told the batteries are running low so I will wrap this up. As one of my final acts as Lord El Presidente Supremo, I will sign the document before me. Just so it is clear that this applies to every state in the Union, the document is written in five languages; English, Merikan, Spanyol, Jojan and Hispalante Americano. All 59 states in all 11 regions of this great nation will be divided and reorganized according to the principles of sovereignty laid out by the World Directorate, the United Notions and the Universal Caliphate, Praise be to Allah. The transition will not be painless, and I know for certain that many will continue to resist the changes that are happening all around us. But denial will not save us. Ignorance will not stop what is happening. I ask that you cooperate with your state and local officials while the reorganization takes place. It technically says dismantling here on this document, but reorganization sounds a lot better doesn’t it?
I leave you with this. George Washington the First once said that for a nation to thrive it must be watered with the blood of martyrs, preferably type O and not during a full moon. Well, the time has long since passed for watering and a hail mary pass at the quarter final while the clock is running down will not turn this ship around before it leads a horse to water and flies too close to the Sun. This is not the eleventh hour. This is the twelfth hour. The ride is long gone. You all had your chance to leave but you didn’t. And St. Roosevelt help me, I don’t know why. This was over a long time ago.
Take care of yourselves. More importantly, take care of your neighbors. Good Luck. Bless you. Bless all 100 million of you, and Bless these United States of Merika.