Origin Outline

Synopsis

The All-American is dead! Three friends, Evan, James and Mallory take up the fallen hero’s mantle and vow to uncover the truth behind his mysterious death but new enemies, old rivals and even allies stand in their way.

 

Act I

First Sequence

The Centennial of the age of superhumans approaches! Cities across the world prepare for the celebration. Seattle is abuzz with excitement as heroes from all over the globe gather for the month long Hundred Years of Heroes event sponsored by the city to attract superhuman entrepreneurs and super industry contractors. The All-American makes a public appearance to promote charity events and other noble causes celebrating a century of heroes. But shadows gather and three friends’ lives are changed forever.

The Death of the All-American- To kick off the Hundred Years of Heroes event, superhero, adventurer, and inventor, the All-American, flies in and gives a short speech at Seattle Center. Evan, James and Mallory watch from the crowd. It is by all accounts a great speech but something seems off about the hero. He is quickly and unceremoniously killed by multiple super powered assailants. The ensuing chaos engulfs the crowd and the three friends narrowly escape serious harm. The assassins are pursued by nearby heroes but make a clean getaway.

Aftermath- For days, controversy and disinformation surround AA’s death. Theories abound as to the identities of the assassins. Evan, James and Mallory recover from their close brush with death and try to return to their normal lives.

Evan investigates those responsible for a drive by shooting that killed a little girl. He comes up with a few names but the gang colors and intended target of the drive by point to the Spider Lords, an up and coming gang that have been growing and getting more violent of late.

James tries finding an in to an online community of powered self-experimenters but fails. He admires the superhero gadgets and gear he’s collected over the years before over hearing a violent argument in the apartment downstairs. “Ear buds go in, noise goes away.”

Mallory works on her journalism blog and realizes while going over the video footage she took of the attack that something doesn’t add up. The official story points to a new and unknown group of villains, but the outfits and tactics on display don’t feel like newbies like the officials are saying. They are too adept and organized. “Newbs couldn’t have killed AA. He’s a veteran of decades of powered battles.”

Shenanigans- The official investigation goes nowhere and looks to be on the verge of going cold. Outraged, the three friends start an online petition to have the case reexamined using Mallory’s footage as support but it gets little attention and #AllAmericanTruth dies before it even begins.

One week after the All-American’s murder, the hero is buried in his hometown. His close friend and teammate, Beacon, gives a eulogy that while touching and heartfelt, subtly suggests that AA wasn’t the hero that people thought. Due to the incompetent investigation, Beacon announces that he and AA’s team, the Nationals, will begin their own investigation.

Second Sequence

The consequences of the All-American’s death begin to manifest. The three friends decide to investigate the assassination themselves. Strands of a larger plot begin to emerge but the heroes run into obstacles in their investigation.

Investigation- Dubbing themselves the New All-Americans, Evan, James and Mallory take matters into their own hands and vow to uncover the truth behind the assassination. With very little concrete evidence to go on, Mallory proposes interviewing AA’s associates. After a dozen declined phone calls and unanswered e-mails, the three friends find themselves at a dead end.

Evan suggests one last option. Alan Watson, a public but relatively unknown figure who used to be the costumed hero Super Sleuth. A retired member of the American Hero Society and current owner of a one man consulting agency, Alan worked with the Nationals before as both superhero and consultant. Alan is reluctant and hesitant and tells them to buzz off as he’s retired, let the authorities handle it, etc.

The Gangs- Meanwhile, the hero’s death spurs the criminal underworld into action. Gang activity explodes across the city. The beleaguered police department scrambles to contain it but bodies are piling up and no one feels safe to walk the streets. The paradox of high crime and high superhero presence fuels a tidal wave of editorials and scathing indictments by newspapers, blogs and internet news sites on the effectiveness of costumed crime fighters. Stats and studies and polls come flying out of the woodwork. This sparks debates and shouting matches on Facebook, Reddit and YouTube video comment sections over what the point of bright flashy costumes and crime fighters are in the first place.

Mallory senses an underlying agenda to make superheroes look ineffectual and weak while the city burns. Her journalistic instinct leads her to an interesting development which she shares with the others. Two editorial pieces which were posted a day before the crime wave and then subsequently taken down. Why did two different people publish superhero criticisms before the crime spike happened? The heroes attempt to investigate but are stonewalled by the companies.

The Centennial- James looks into the Hundred Years of Heroes events that the All-American was supposed to attend. He finds a website for one of the groups responsible for organizing the event that AA was killed at but it is suspiciously sparse save for brief paragraphs about the Centennial’s importance to the region. Contact information leads to an answering service and address is generic office park suite. They hired these guys to handle the kick off? They have jobs connected with other events, mostly charities and galas for rich folks, the biggest one being a party during the Centennial itself which will host many heroes and city officials.

The Long Night- Evan realizes that only the wealthy parts of town and the city proper are getting the bulk of superhero and police protection while everyone else is stuck out in the rain. His anger drives him to begin what he later dubs, “the Long Night” as he takes down thug after thug, trying to keep people safe. His savage attacks surprise him, but his ferocity is necessary as he barely escapes every scrape in one piece. The majority of his attacks are focused on the Spider Lords, the gang behind the drive by shootings and gang violence that are indiscriminately killing people across the city. The thugs are uncharacteristically loyal, but he manages to get a few to talk. He learns that the turf wars aren’t over drugs but control of the sex trade, a market cornered by the mob and the most lucrative business in the Northwest.

 

 

Act II

Third Sequence

The stakes are getting higher and the three have landed on people’s radars. Not good! The celebrations and Hundred Years of Heroes continue even as the city implodes due to the crime spike and Heroic property damage. Events are starting to spiral out of control, events which threaten to change the superhuman paradigm and it all centers on the fateful Centennial which is now less than a month away. What did the All-American know that got him killed? The three discover more secrets about the All-American and take the stage as honest to goodness superheroes.

The costumes!- You can’t fight crime without a good costume, so taking a break from the heavy stuff before certain parties get too suspicious, Evan, James and Mallory put their heads together to come up with appropriately themed costumes to honor the All-American’s memory. Evan is chided by James when he finds out what Evan has been doing. “Hero’s work is done in the light, not in the shadows!” “A little girl died, James! She was just a baby! I had to find out who did it. Justice!” Mallory half-heartedly agrees with James but she is starting to lose hope in their methods thus far. More must be done but their limited resources aren’t enough. Hands need to get dirty. Laws need to be bent. Arguing ensues over their next course of action.

Investigation II- Alan has been busy. After the three friends’ visit and the recent crime spike, Alan finally decides to look into the murder. His connections in the Nationals and the American Hero Society tell him that AA was working on something that he wasn’t telling others about. In the months and weeks leading up to his death he became increasingly distracted, occupied and paranoid. Friends in the Nationals suggested a vacation to calm his nerves but he refused. Alan also reviews the footage Mallory took. He finds it extremely troubling and familiar. He’s seen this sort of thing before.

Escalation!- While on another midnight crusade, Evan stumbles upon something he shouldn’t have. Infiltrating a Spider Lord base under the cover of night, he believes he has finally found the hang out of the two responsible for the little girl’s death. He hides in a room filled with incriminating evidence. Plans, building blueprints, itineraries for events throughout the month, addresses to hidden weapon caches and suspected hideouts, hundreds of documents and digital media focused on several superheroes, including an overwhelming majority focusing on AA and the Centennial. Rousing the hornet’s nest, Evan narrowly escapes and is now number one on the Spider Lords’ hit list.

The Nationals- Beacon and a contingent of Nationals come to Seattle to offer “aid” but it only amounts to a photo op. He discourages the young heroes in town for the Centennial from acting and to let the professionals handle the situation. It becomes clear he intends to do nothing about the crime wave, fomenting even more anti-superhero sentiment. Zerstorer implores Beacon to ‘act like a hero’ and restore the city to peace, but Beacon rebukes him, saying he is reckless just like AA was.

Dungeon crawling? Here?- Using intel Evan collected from the Spider Lords, James catches a lucky break and manages to locate one of the All-American’s suspected hidden bases. The three friends go in hopes of uncovering more of the truth. It is located near the international district, beneath the city. They navigate a short series of defense mechanisms that they are poorly equipped for and barely scrape by. James is badly hurt and Mallory is on death’s door before they make it inside the base. Luckily this base is equipped with a small med bay and Evan is able to quickly patch them up.

Superpowers for Superheroes- The All-American’s auxiliary base is loaded with gadgets, serums, artifacts and many other things besides. The Group for Human Empowerment can finally put their money where their mouth is! Evan gets a magic cape and an enchanted sword. James gets his pick of serums and gadgets and Mallory finds a mysterious medallion with her family crest on it. There are also a lot of files on AA’s research. The friends discover that the Spider Lords are one of several fronts for a shadowy organization called the Seven. By posing as gang members and stirring the pot in gangland the Spider Lords have been setting the city up for chaos. What is the Seven’s ultimate goal?

Unbeknownst to them, the base is being watched…

Fourth Sequence

It’s time to take the offensive! The New All-Americans can now do what they couldn’t do before and news of the new heroes’ activities spread. The gangs are beaten back in the local neighborhoods and the police are able to take control of the streets once more. The Seven take notice.

Great Power, Huge Responsibility- With their new powers and resources, the three friends chase after leads like never before. They comb through the All-American’s contacts hoping get information on who would and could gun the hero down. They pay visits to several people, including the ones who wrote the retracted superhero editorials and who continue to foment anti-superhero sentiment. The heroes find out that the journalists are being backed by the same benefactor, a man who works for the Hundred Years of Heroes event organizing company.

Shells and Dummies- New names come up in connection with the event organizers responsible for setting up events for Hundred Years of Heroes. Shell and dummy corporations galore! Suspicious deaths follow wherever the heroes go as loose ends are being tied up. The heroes push too hard and one of their leads kills himself right before their eyes. The trail is leading them closer to the identities of the All-American’s assassins but the Seven is always a step ahead.

Street Level!-The three clean up their neighborhoods in the meantime and suppress gang violence with two fisted justice, as much a distraction for them as anything else. They target the Spider Lords command structure and slowly climb their way up to the top. Mallory falls in love with this new life while Evan questions his violent actions. James is in uber fan heaven. To their surprise they are confronted by none other than Beacon of the Nationals. He informs them that, while admirable, their efforts are getting in the way of the actual investigation that the Nationals are conducting. Mallory accuses Beacon of sitting on the investigation to his face, which angers the hero, but he is ultimately dismissive of her.

Investigation III- Alan figures out who the New All-Americans are and reaches out to them. He tells the three friends that the name Overwatch has come up, a name he’s seen before. They are all playing a very dangerous game now and have to watch their step or they’ll end up like the All-American. “If I can figure out who you are, then you can be sure they can too. It’s only a matter of time at this rate. Do yourselves a favor and get out while you still can.” The heroes are shaken to their core, but undeterred. They continue their investigation.

 

Fifth Sequence

Even higher stakes! The Seven’s plan is pushed back and with superhero popularity on the rise it is time to get serious. No more games. This is the big leagues. The heroes suffer their greatest loss yet.

Friendly Neighborhood Crime Watch- A local crime watch association decides they’ve had enough of the gang activity in their town and form a masked vigilante group to deal with it. They are almost destroyed by out of town junior superheroes in a case of mistaken identity. Social unrest boils to a fever pitch. Small riots break out but are quickly contained. Beacon urges the public to stay calm and scolds the young superheroes for their conduct.

Three’s company- The Seven throw their soft ball playbook out the window and hire the super group and professional fixers known as the Threesome to take care of the heroes. The Threesome try a divide and conquer method by trying to catch the heroes alone but this proves increasingly difficult as the heroes are now ultra-paranoid. Back tracking the heroes’ history, it isn’t long before the Threesome find #AllAmericanTruth and figure out who the New All-Americans really are. They enact the honeypot plan to catch the new heroes.

Skin for Sale- The New All-Americans raid a safe house for the Spider Lords housing a dozen sex slaves and other victims that were part of their new human trafficking operation. This turns out to be a trap, as the Threesome tail the heroes back to their homes.

Disaster strikes!- The Threesome along with gangs of Spider Lords assault the heroes’ homes in a devastating series of attacks. Mallory is bested but her father saves the day with his magical abilities. James’ family is wiped out while James is thought to be killed but he lives. Evan’s family is out of town and so he is attacked while alone at home. He manages to beat the aggressors back but they tear the home apart. Victorious but very hurt, the Threesome fall back to lick their wounds.

 

Sixth Sequence

It’s personal now. Everything comes to a head.

The Revenge of the Payback- The heroes assault the gang headquarters of the Spider Lords hoping to end the gang’s threat once and for all and get intel on the Threesome. The leader of the Spider Lords is revealed to be one of the Seven. He is powered and formidable but ultimately killed by Evan (in self-defense maybe? It looks questionable), which scatters the Spider Lords to the wind. A major piece of the plan falls apart for the Seven. The heroes discover that the Seven are a group of former Overwatch soldiers who banded together for aid and profit years ago and are planning something big for the city.

Punchline and the Evil Brigade!- Furious, the Seven decide to act directly. The joke villain Punchline, another member of the Seven, issues a public challenge to the New All-Americans. It is a ruse to get the heroes out in the open so they can be ruthlessly eliminated in full view of the public eye.

It’s a brawl, baby- The New All-Americans know a trick when they see one but arrive at the fight ready to prove their worth anyway. It is clear after a minute or two of fighting that something is very wrong. Just as the fight seems to be going in their favor, they are ambushed by an experienced black ops wet work team. The ambush only fails thanks to Alan’s timely intervention. Punchline is sent to jail along with his minions while the ambushers escape. Alan finds the heroes in shambles, shaken and seriously pissed off. He tells them what true heroes would do, what he failed to do all those years ago.

Flashbacks for everyone- Alan tells them what happened on the day he quit superheroics. He lost three teammates, friends, who were eliminated by Overwatch during an operation in Seattle. He only made it out alive because he kept his mouth shut all these years, a decision that haunts him still. The event that drew Alan and the American Hero Society to Seattle was the infamous Killer May Day riots which were orchestrated by Overwatch. Evan’s older brother and James’ best friend, Raj, died in the riots. Mallory lost her aunt that day as well because the aunt was secretly a superhero and one of Alan’s close friends. They realize that the Killer May Day riots were just a dress rehearsal for what’s to come. The All-American had stumbled upon one piece of the puzzle but didn’t know enough to act and became the first casualty. With so many young and inexperienced heroes in the city for the Centennial, a blood bath will surely ensue once civil disorder breaks out en masse, tarnishing super heroes in the eyes of the public and shaping super-politics for the next decade.

 

Act III

Seventh Sequence

Balls to the wall action, guns ablazing! Revenge is best served hot!

Menage a Troy- The Threesome want their payday so they strike again only to fall into their own trap. Using intel found on the Threesomes’ persons, the heroes trace their activity back to the black fund where all the money ends up. From there they find the whereabouts of the wetwork team that attacked them, the same ones responsible for the All-American’s murder!

Justice for a True American- The team behind the All-American’s assassination realize they are being hunted and go to ground, staying dark as long as they need. One of them is cornered and caught before they can escape. This leads the heroes right to the heart of the Seven’s headquarters. The Centennial is days away and events are already in motion, events the heroes can’t stop.

Final Showdown- Interior: Opulent Office Building. The leader of the Seven dismisses the others and takes on the heroes, asking them piercing questions about the origin of things, of superheroes and wacky costumes and “crime fighting”. She tells them that all of society is enslaved by a manufactured narrative that primarily serves the interests of the elite while the greatest human revolution in history is continually stifled. Status Quo is king. The Seven realized the truth and have worked tirelessly for almost a decade to bring this manufactured order down. The leader is defeated by Evan.

 

Eighth Sequence

Happy Endings? Not for everyone.

A New Dawn- Evan has to choose between life and death. He chooses to be a better man and lets the boss live, even as she taunts him, saying that the hero narrative has already taken him over by preventing him from doing the responsible thing. She says she will get a lesser sentence for sure since the FBI want what she knows about the others in the Seven and Overwatch in general. “I’ll be out before you know it”. Alan arrives with the authorities in tow and they take the leader into custody. Evan reflects on his decision. Beacon’s connection to the Seven is exposed and he is taken into custody by his teammates. The German Powerhouse, Zerstorer, becomes the new leader of the Nationals.

New Age of Heroes- Civil disorder breaks out on the Centennial as planned but without the Spider Lords as agents provocateurs and the rest of the Seven’s logistics in ruin, the police and super heroes are able to peacefully round up aggressors and keep full blown riots from breaking out. Many young men and women are inspired by the New All-Americans to become heroes themselves, if not outright superheroes.

Wrap up- Alan treats the heroes to a night out and a tour of his old base. He is tempted, but decides against putting the mask back on. He congratulates the heroes on their determination and fortitude in the face of ball-smackingly fierce odds. He decides to open up a private investigation company like he’s always dreamed.

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So, it’s come to this…

I would like to take a short break from this blog’s usual subject, being a portal to strange, wonderful, fantastical fiction, to examine something that I think is important and relevant and a little depressing. Though perhaps not that surprising depending on your own level of cynicism. For anyone who isn’t aware or is reading this a hundred years in the future; on Thursday, October 1st, 2015 in Roseburg, Oregon a man shot and killed 9 people and injured 9 more. It is the latest in a series of mass shootings that has been plaguing the U.S. for years if not decades. It is terrible, it is a tragedy, water is wet, the sky is blue, etc. There is nothing I can say about this that hasn’t already been said by people way smarter and more qualified than I and after the seemingly millionth one of these, there really isn’t much else that can be said. BUT. There is another angle to this to be discussed that isn’t getting a lot of attention. An angle that may disgust you, may leave you in disbelief, but is most assuredly something that happens regularly. I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé watching the news the day the shooting in Roseburg occurred. I don’t know why, but I had this feeling I needed to look something up. Something I had seen before in regards to tragedies like this. So, I pulled out my phone and googled a few key words. I found this.

For those who can’t open the link or don’t feel like giving the site another click, it is a website called Before it’s news which decided, mere hours after this horrific event, to publish an article calling the shooting a false flag operation. My first thoughts were, “what in the actual fuck?” I mean seriously, what the fuck? I couldn’t believe it. It normally takes weeks, sometimes days for this kind of thing to appear and here it was just hours, HOURS, after the killing stopped. This brings me to two questions. How and why? More specifically, why do people think a false flag school shooting is even a thing and how did conspiracy theorizing get this bad/insane?

I thought I’d lost my faith in humanity enough watching the events in Roseburg unfold but this article was a punch to the gut I wasn’t ready for. I mean, what drove this meat harvesting robot pretending to be a person to write and then publish this? Was this sewer receptacle shaped like a human being just sitting next to his five TVs tuned to different networks, waiting for a mass shooting so he could pound out an article telling us ahead of time, before it’s “news”, that this was a fake shooting we had here? What in the holy blazing fuck? It takes a special kind of person to shout “conspiracy theory” before the bodies are even cold. I mean how cynical do you have to be? Has the conspiracy sphere gotten so bloated that it’s come to this? Are Lizard people too passé now? Is there nothing safe enough to believe in? Not according to these guys. Oh, did I mention this person isn’t alone? No, this isn’t a lone wolf howling conspiratorial cries into the aether of the internet. There are tons of guys like this out there. You’d be surprised how many.

False flags have long been a staple of war. Real life historical examples include the Gulf of Tonkin Incident which sped us into Vietnam and the failed Bay of Pigs invasion which was supposed to make it look like Cuban Counterrevolutionaries were overthrowing Fidel Castro. Now, for some reason, the phrase “false flag” is popping up all over the conspirasphere. Add hoax and the numbers sky rocket. Real people are actually for real getting hurt or killed out there and these people aren’t convinced. I mean what? Where is this coming from? You may be wondering how I even knew to look for this sort of thing on the day of the shooting. It’s because I’ve seen it before. (Blood and gore warning for that last link.)

Just days after the Boston Bombing, people were already doubting the official story and looking for the truth of the matter. It was surreal, watching people piece together the “real” story from pictures and news coverage and such. Mostly they were pointing out inconsistencies with the reporting (which happens every time a bomb or automatic weapon goes off by the way) how the numbers varied wildly and how the things the officials were saying didn’t match what witnesses reported. I’ll admit there were some valid questions brought up (like how the back pack the bomber used was different than the one recovered at the scene and pegged as the source of the explosion) but the stuff about the “crisis actors” and how the victims were planted and faked the whole thing to drum up tears and sympathy and all that junk just sickened me. This was real human suffering we witnessed. Calling it acting and faking is just a monstrous thing to do. Seriously.

You think these are the only examples? Just Google “false flag shooting” and see what pops up. Every single major mass shooting event of the past few years are all there, one after another being “exposed” as lies and hoaxes and false flags by the savvy investigators and internet video experts that know better than to trust the Mainstream Media. Remember the Virginia shooting in August where two reporters were killed? These guys do. Apparently the reporters were paid actors who faked getting shot so the gun control types could take people’s guns away. This isn’t a joke website. Read the comments. These are real people who really believe these things. Remember Sandy Hook? The shooting at the elementary school? With the kids? Yeah that one has its own Wikipedia page.

The point to all of this is that people, real people that you and I know and see on the street, believe these sorts of things. Even people in charge of important things, like, oh I don’t know, the sheriff investigating the shooting in Roseburg. This is not a small thing. There is a whole world of people that think the U.S. government actively plans and executes false flag operations in schools, movie theaters, churches, army and navy bases and so on just so they can get a little bit more of that sweet sweet gun control for their gun hating boners. Sometimes these folks mix with the Jade Helm/UN Agenda/FEMA concentration camp types, but not always. It’s the weirdest thing to see those two fight. They fight over whether something’s a hoax or a false flag. It’s sad and depressing.

This brings me back to my original two questions. First off, how did this happen? Now, look, everyone has their own theories about the way things “really are”. I know I do. But this isn’t your garden variety Moon Landing Hoax or JFK conspiracy theory. This is on a whole other level. It started, I think, with the 9-11 Truth movement. Everyone remembers the Loose Change video or at the very least how many times they were e-mailed a link to it by that one uncle. You know the one. This video was more than viral. It had an impact on the national psyche. It was one thing when conspiracy theories were relegated to X-Files style UFOs or shadow governments hidden in Cheyenne Mountain. This was like the reality TV version of conspiracy theory.

It didn’t help that this was around the time that we all started wising up to the fact that there weren’t WMDs in Iraq, and maybe oil was the real reason we were there and maybe we had been lied to about why we were in Iraq? I mean, what happened to the manhunt going on in Afghanistan? Wasn’t catching bin Laden supposed to be priority number one? It all just seemed to make a sort of sense and for a while a lot of people, even me, believed that 9-11 was an inside job.

Here’s the thing though. Hurricane Katrina came the same year as Loose Change, 2005. When we saw just how terrible the federal response was to the hurricane, it should have collectively dawned on us that there was no way these incompetent clowns could have thrown together an operation like 9-11 and gotten away with it as clean as they would have had to. That should have been the end to any and all truth movements. Instead, people doubled down. Bush doesn’t care about black people, y’all. That explains it. Not nepotism or being severely unprepared for something on the magnitude of Katrina. The conspiracies could continue.

Jump to 2013 and here comes a bomb in Boston. By now, truth movements are a well oiled machine. People were standing by, ready to analyze and scrutinize every piece of film and reporting and witness interview with the intensity of an electron microscope. Is this too far? Is this too cynical? A certain amount of skepticism is healthy if you want to live in a functioning democracy, but calling victims of a terror attack “crisis actors” with “fake blood” and “staged photos” is a bit much.

As for my second question: why? That is a whole other can of onion layered worms that will require another post. But for now, ruminate on all this and tell me what you think.

Lord Esteban

Lord Esteban is unfit to lead this great land. Yes I’ve said it! He is a menace and a deviant of the highest order! Consider what manner of insane buffoon could conceive of “reforms” which amount to eliminating poverty whilst simultaneously conserving the environment? Noble and idealistic, of course, but not when done at the expense of the First Class. That is his strategy; to use mob rule and the sympathy of the Voiceless to enact his twisted agendas. Matters of governance are the purview of those with Voice! The institution of government depends on it and yet he skirts such barriers by appointing the Second and Third Class to his ministry. Outrageous I say!

The worst offense is that he should know better. Esteban, a man with a pure and noble soul, tall in stature, lithe and quick, sun kissed skin a mark of his high born heritage, that keen gaze that pierces the very core of a man, and a Voice that booms and shakes the very heavens! This model of First Class nobility has crippled the guiding hand of the Markets, denied the First Class their rightly deserved luxuries, cleaned up the slums while creating new schools to educate the children of the Third and Fourth Class, and rebuilt those dilapidated infirmaries on the border march! Indefensible! The Founders did not envision this! This man has betrayed his Class and made a mockery of the founding ideals. Lord Esteban is a villain and must be punished!

Today in History: July 28

13000000000000 BCE- God creates the Universe but does not disclose method, making the Universe wholly unscientific. Scientists never let God live it down.

12999999999999 BCE- Universe is a year old and already starting to walk! God is so proud.

65000000 BCE- Just another boring summer day for the dinosaurs.

45 BCE- Julius Caesar invents the month of July so people can party irresponsibly with alcohol and fireworks for generations to come.

1794- French Revolution: Robespierre, a staunch opponent of the death penalty, is executed by guillotine in Paris, France. The irony is lost on the French as hipsters haven’t been invented yet.

1868- 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution is certified, establishing African American citizenship and guaranteeing due process of law a mere 81 years after the Constitution was created.

1984- The 23rd Summer Olympic games open in Los Angeles and hold the unique distinction of being the least 1984-y Olympics, an honor which goes to the 2012 London Olympics.

1999- The Anti-Christ is born, heralding the end of an age.

2015- Nothing interesting happens.

2016- The one year anniversary of nothing interesting happening.

2020- Eye wear specialists and glasses manufacturers realize way too late that they could have had a “2020” eye wear sale going on this whole time!

2026- The supermassive object orbiting the moon since January descends to Earth. A singular alien consciousness, calling itself OverBrain, announces via worldwide telepathic message that it has taken dominion of the planet in the name of an unpronounceable cosmic entity. Within hours of landing, OverBrain sheepishly recalls its previous message, stating that it had accidentally taken a wrong turn at Andromeda and landed on the wrong planet. It recalls its forces and heads to deep space, hoping Earth’s inhabitants won’t tell anybody.

2032- The Anti-Christ comes of age and decides to become an entrepreneur, starting several sun screen and air conditioning companies which will become “essential items in due time”. Chelsea Clinton announces her candidacy for the 2044 Presidential race way way late in the game, hurting her chances according to pundits.

2050- Super Hurricane Zelda, number 700 this year alone, hits the edge of Kansas on its way to Montana. Meteorologists are calling it a slow year for Super Hurricanes.

2077- The Star Wars centennial celebration remake/reboot is released to theaters. Harrison Ford thinks Han Solo actor did “passable job”.

3175- The hidden subterranean kingdom of worm-men finally rises from the depths as predicted by Nostradamus in a lost quatrain. Finding the surface way too bright and cold and the bony meat sacs called “humans” inedible, the worm-men decide to head back down below.

4492- Famed explorer Jesus Rodriguez discovers the lost continent of Europe. He is immediately killed by a super virus upon landing on shore. The local inhabitants roast and eat Rodriguez’s remains in front of his horrified crew.

5400- Geraldo Plascaya is crowned King Emperor President of Nurth Murka at the capital Cuidad Saint Louis Missura, beginning a ten year reign of peace after decades of war. Nurth Murkans are generally unaware of this historic event.

9999- The hit musical “Party like it’s 9999” hits amphitheaters to rave reviews.

1234567890- The straight flush year would have been celebrated if anyone still used the Gregorian Calendar. People use ‘Squid Time’ now. Don’t ask.