I love Tall Tales. They’re like the comic books that people told to each other around the campfire when they got tired of listening to that one ghost story about an undead revenant that haunted a campfire just like this one you guys. But unlike other Tall Tales, this one was based on an actual guy who actually lived and was an actual elected official. I’m talking about Davy Crockett. His real life was so badass it’s no wonder he got a Tall Tale of his very own. But this ain’t a history blog, it’s a portal to strange, wonderful and fantastical fiction. So let me tell you about Davy Motherfucking Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier.
Like Kim Jong-il, Davy Crockett was born on a mountain. Unlike Kim Jong-il, Davy Crockett emerged from a comet, rolled and landed on his own two feet in front of his astonished parents. So more like Superman than Kim Jong-il. Only a little weirded out by this event, Davy’s parents raised him in the wilds of Tennessee like a normal boy because no one taught them that babies were supposed to come from storks and not comets from outer space.
Even at a young age, Davy boasted about his exploits. Mind you, he lived on the American Frontier so everyone he knew hunted bears, fought wild cats, and ate the bark off of trees. He claimed he could sing out one side of his mouth, tell a joke out the other and whistle in the middle. Davy Crockett didn’t know how mouths worked apparently. He told people that as a boy he ate so much bear meat and drank so much buffalo milk that he could whip his weight in wildcats! His boasts earned him an outlandish reputation but he was a great hunter and fighter to back it up. His boasting also attracted a ton of rivals. One of them was a Mississippi boatman named Mike Fink.
Now Mike was a boaster himself and claimed he could lick any man in the country. Personally I wouldn’t boast about that sort of thing but it got real lonely on those keelboats so to each their own. Mike was supposedly 6′ 3” and 180 pounds but insisted people call him King of the Boatmen, providing more evidence that people on the frontier didn’t know how kings worked. Davy Crockett said that Mike Fink was half horse and half alligator so he obviously respected the dude in his own way. Whenever the two met a boast off would occur, which is like a roast but in the other direction.
Mike was always busting Davy Crockett’s chops and this was doubly true when it came to Davy’s main squeeze, a gal by the name of Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind. When Davy learned her name he reportedly said, “What a stupid fucking name.” Sally Ann Kick Your Ass Whirlwind then proceeded to deck Davy Crockett for, I don’t know, let’s say a week. Sally was tougher than a bear and faster than a wildcat on a jet ski. She wore a beehive for a bonnet, starting a fashion trend that lasted all of two days. Davy was so smitten with her that he married that wild girl right away. Now, history books will tell you that Davy Crockett was married to a Polly Finley and then to a Elizabeth Patton after his first wife’s death, but never you mind all that.
Anyway, Davy would brag about Sally all the time, which really got on Mike Fink’s nerves. So he came up with a plan. He bet Davy Crockett a dozen wildcats (?) that he could scare Sally Ann until her teeth came loose (!) and her toes went crooked (?!?!??). So Mike Fink took the skin of a huge alligator that he probably claimed he killed and skinned himself and hid in some bushes. When Sally walked by, he jumped out and howled so loudly he pissed himself. On account of how scary he was, not because of a chronic bladder condition. Sally didn’t give two shits about no gator, so she slapped the gator skin right off Mike’s head. And that’s how Davy Crockett won a dozen wildcats.
One time Davy Crockett got his head stuck in a tree like a doofus. He squirmed and writhed so hard the world damn near split in two. Luckily, someone came along and found him. He got the idea to get all the butter ever and slather up the tree up and pull Davy loose.
Another time, it got so cold that dawn froze solid. This was a Tennessee winter, mind you, so that meant the world stopped turning on account of the sun getting jammed in the ice. These are easily verified facts and therefore indisputable. The world would have gotten itself into a new ice age had Davy Crockett not strolled by just then. He’d just gotten done bear hunting because bear hunting at night is what badasses do and happened upon the scene. Well, he just used his freshly killed bear carcass to beat the ice until it melted off the sun. Then he lit a big fat doobie, got a little sunshine in his pocket and slid down the sun’s rays and headed home. Skeptics of this tale tend to forget that Davy Motherfucking Crockett was born from a comet.
Once while Davy Crockett was on the campaign trail, a bunch of folks in the crowd got thirsty. So Davy went to the local bar to buy everyone drinks. Course the problem with being a bear hunter is sometimes you don’t have much in the way of coin. So he went into the woods with his rifle and killed a raccoon. He skinned it up all nice and proper and traded it for a round of drinks for his new friends. A bit later, he noticed a bit of coon skin peeking out from between two logs in the wall. He realized it was the very same coon skin he’d given the bartender, so like a politician he sneakily took the coon skin back and used it to pay for another round of drinks. He kept doing this all night because apparently the bar tender was a dumb shit who didn’t keep track of payments very well. The people got so hammered they elected him to Congress three times.
Davy Crockett introduced himself to Congress by saying he was “that same Davy Crockett, fresh from the back woods, half-horse, half-alligator, a little touched with the snapping turtle. I can whip my weight in wildcats and eat any man opposed to Jackson.” Congress responded by nodding nervously because these were the days when politicians beat each other to death with canes and they weren’t about to laugh at the crazy hick from Tennessee. Also he brought those wildcats he won from Mike Fink with him so there’s that.
Davy Crockett died at the Battle of the Alamo alongside other luminaries of the time such as James “Mr. Bowie Knife” Bowie, who reportedly kept telling everyone “that’s not a knife,” while the Mexicans attacked. Initially there was a rumor going around that Davy had given up and was executed like a little bitch, but further research has revealed that shut the fuck up no he didn’t. He went out like a badass, back to back with the meanest, dirtiest, fightingest Texans around. His body was supposedly found surrounded by no less than sixteen Mexican soldiers. They knew it was Davy right away because he was dressed like he’d just stepped out of the backwoods of Tennessee and also his coonskin cap had just the biggest erection. So ended the story of an American folk hero.
Davy Crockett carried thunder his fist and flung lightning from his fingers and no that’s not a euphemism.
Davy Crockett could stare down a streak of lightning without blinking.
Davy Crockett could pull rainbows out of the sky. Even double rainbows.
Davy Crockett could growl so loud it sounded like five thousand boulders tumbling down a mountainside.
Davy Crockett was the greatest woodsman politician that ever whipped a wildcat and don’t you forget it!