Fuck Authority (But Use Protection)

“I want you to summarize the situation as succinctly as you can,” said Mayor Peterson. Police Chief Cook swallowed hard. This was the part of the job he hated. Working the freak beat was one thing, but briefing your boss on it while trying not to sound like a crazy person was just the worst.

“Okay so… the freaks for hire known as the Threesome took over a food co-op in Evergreen for about an hour this afternoon. They called the police themselves hoping to get some sort of ransom.”

“Do you have that call?” asked the mayor.

“I sent you the audio file,” said Chief Cook.

“It was nothing but people having loud, angry sex. I told you no more personal shares on official networks,” Mayor Peterson said.

“That was the 911 call. They were pumping that through the speakers at max volume when officers arrived on scene. I know it’s hard to tell but you can just make out her voice on the call right around when the spanking starts.”

“This is the filthy banner they hung up?” the mayor asked, pointing to a picture on his flip phone. Before the occupation started, one of them had hung up a giant banner on the outside of the co-op that read ‘Fuck Bacon, Eat Pigs’.

“It’s all over Facebook and Twitter now,” said Chief Cook.

“What’s Twitter?” the mayor asked.

“It’s a new thing the kids are doing now. Some of our boys think we should have Twitters for the JCPD and the Mayor’s office. Keeping up the times or something.”

“That’s what they said about MySpace and look where that got us. Okay. what happened next?”

***

So, the Threesome enter the building around noon and tell everyone to get on the ground. The one known as Fire Crotch melts the emergency exits and seals the front door. The one that calls herself Big Damn Super Mama then instructs everyone to huddle in a group near the cash registers and take off their clothes.

There is some resistance but Autumn Princess assures everyone by saying they can keep their undergarments on. They then collect everyone’s belongings and tell the employees to empty the cash registers. While they’re doing that, Autumn Princess disappears with the manager to his office. A minute later the, um, sex noises soundtrack starts playing on a loop. Again at max volume. Then Autumn Princess instructs the manager to dial up the police. He connects but the background noise is too much for the 911 operator to understand him so Autumn Princess takes the phone from the manager and gives her demands, which I sent over to you an hour ago.

***

“Those were demands? I thought that was a sex store shopping list you accidentally forwarded to me again,” said the mayor.

“Again, that was an accident, sir. Can I get back to the briefing?”

“How do you undelete an e-mail?” the mayor asked.

“Go to the trash bin and click…”

“No wait I found it. Go on, Jack.”

“Right. So…”

***

Officers arrive on scene. It is now half past noon. Big Damn Super Mama and Fire Crotch are visible from the front of the co-op. Officers tell them to surrender and let the hostages go. They then proceed to moon the officer aggressively. Very aggressively. More officers arrive. We have a full on hostage situation going on with three supers in the middle of it. SWAT is maybe a minute out and then that’s when things get a little… weird.

***

“Define weird, Jack,” said the mayor.

“Well, the hostages are getting panicky and Fire Crotch is getting antsy and tensions are very high and the three of them are just flashing their breasts at the officers and we’re getting close to an hour now and so you have to understand that the situation evolved very quickly after they showed up.”

“They?”

“You did read the report I sent you, right?” Chief Cook asked.

“I don’t read, Jack. Just tell me the damn thing already.”

“The vigilante in black showed up. The one everyone is calling Mr. Nobody. He and this girl made out of stone just show up inside the food co-op and they start fighting the Threesome head on. We don’t know how they got in there.”

“These are the photos we have on file?” the mayor asked.

“Of the Threesome? Yes,” said the chief.

“Do we have one where the redhead’s hair is actually on fire?” the mayor asked as discreetly as he could, which was to say not at all.

“That would have been a violation of station protocol. Also her name is Fire Crotch, not Fire Hair. She doesn’t actually catch fire, she sort of immolates the air around her.”

“Is she actually naked under that placard?” the mayor asked, again not at all discreet.

“Her attire had burned off completely by the time she was arrested and everything we gave her burned off so yes. She is in her birthday suit,” said Chief Cook.

“What about the black one?”

“Big Damn Super Mama?”

“Yeah her. Does the mask come off?”

“It was stitched on and impossible to remove without surgery.”

“Why the bull mask? With those rocking tits she could have been a model or something. Why this?” the mayor said, almost talking to himself as he examined the mug shots.

“Sir please,” Chief Cook said.

“Hmm? Oh right. Then what happened?”

***

Mr. Nobody and the stone girl fight the Threesome to a stand still. The stone girl has enhanced strength or something because she tossed the seven foot tall Big Damn Super Mama through an aisle of essential oils with what seemed like little effort. Fire Crotch tried lighting Mr. Nobody on fire but that didn’t seem to work for some reason. Autumn Princess activates her eye powers but Mr. Nobody is able to counter her with his fancy karate. In less than a minute, the Threesome are down for the count and everybody runs free. Officers enter the co-op but the two vigilantes are nowhere to be found and security footage has been wiped. Other than the Threesome, no one suffered serious injury so I guess I’d call this a win.

***

“Is that a silk kimono Autumn Princess is wearing?” the mayor asked.

“And silk lingerie, yes,” said Chief Cook. It was so damn uncomfortable when the mayor got creepy like this.

“Gotta be double D cups at least,” said the mayor in a whisper.

“Sir,” Chief Cook said.

“Right right. What of the Threesome?”

“They’re in lock up right now. Waiting to get processed. In a few hours, there’s going to be a ‘filing error’ and they’ll be set free,” said the Chief.

“Did their payment go through?” the mayor asked.

“Yes, sir. Courtesy of the drug money we ‘lost’ last month. It won’t be traced back to us.”

“Sounds like everything was air tight on your end,” said the mayor.

“Like a straight man’s anus,” said Chief Cook.

“Don’t be weird, Jack,” said the mayor.

“Right,” the Chief said with an annoyed frown.

“They were a brilliant distraction, weren’t they? I might even hire them again after this is all over,” said the mayor.

“I think their gimmick is tasteless and crude,” said the Chief.

“That’s because you’re an uptight stick in the ass, Jack.” The mayor’s Blueberry work phone buzzed. Another e-mail. He flipped it open with a sigh.

“I’m just saying, they’re a sign of how bad things have gotten with our youth. They walk around in their damn underwear swearing at cops and soon everyone’s doing it. That’s how these things start,” said Chief Cook. The mayor wasn’t paying attention. With a bored look, he was reading his work e-mail. Chief Cook decided it was time to wrap it up and leave. Then the mayor’s face dropped and turned sheet white. “Sir?” Chief Cook asked as his own work Blueberry buzzed. He opened the e-mail and felt the world drop away from his feet. It was an e-mail sent to six people, the six involved in the plot. It read:

Nobody knows what you did. He’s coming for you.

Story continues here